A USER'S GUIDE TO FACEBOOK LANGUAGE

One of the most interesting things about the social media is how they wrangle punters into certain modes of thought and expression. Whether this process is by design or not is open to question but no such debate can be staged concerning the effect. Nowhere is this more evident than in the language that is littered throughout users’ walls and there is a mind-numbing similarity to it all.

However, before disclosing the unique rules and features of written communication on the dubdubdub, four essential markers of these platforms must be highlighted.

The first marker is best described by Johnny Oleksinski (New York Post, 3 January 2017)-

‘Fundamentally, Twitter, Facebook and Instagram are tools for self-promotion. They are personal websites topped with someone’s name, and everything beneath the header is a carefully curated version of how they want to be perceived.’

There’s nothing essentially significant about Johnny’s summary but if you accept it, then it does have certain ramifications. The most obvious is that narcissism finds fertile soil to grow and develop. If it’s self-promotion you’re after, stuff not so related to your own glorious being will be tossed overboard.

The second marker is intimately related to the narcissist user and it centres on ‘happiness’ or, rather, happiness as a commodity. Social media updaters operate in a perfect online world. They visit dreamy places, eat at only fabulous restaurants and cafes, possess beautiful/ handsome offspring (in their own image, of course) and exhibit a sensitive- even ‘pastoral’- concern towards others. In fact, you can almost taste the saccharin that infuses all components of their lives….at least as depicted on the old computer anyway. Real life events and complications never really make it onto the monitor but why let the facts get in the way of a fairy-tale story? Incidentally the political economist, Thomas R Malthus, actually attempted to put a ‘value’ on happiness some two centuries ago and I reckon that he’d be swamped with enquiries from facebook punters if he was stationed at a virtual help-desk today. And inflation would be rampant.

Third on the list involves the immediacy of the social media. Posts are generated quickly and responded to quickly. The user, whether updating or reacting, falls back to familiar clichés and buzz words to convey meaning. The processes of editing, considering and improving the written output assume decreased importance as punters race to see how many ‘likes’ they’ve scored. Speed is imperative while the quantitative and qualitative features of written language are consigned to the unfurnished guest rooms near the back of the house.

The final marker also is significant. The networked media don’t encourage or favour opinions or opinion givers. Many people may find this assertion surprising but my contention is that only when opinions fall into a clearly fenced corral of thought, then they’re sort of accepted at best or tolerated in most circumstances. Anything too left or too right is either jumped on or ignored. This, too, leaves an indelible watermark on the type of language employed.

With the above characteristics of the various platforms tagged, here are some of the written language forms and constructions that the novice should ape:

1.     The use of apostrophes. In the non-electronic word, apostrophes are normally used to identify the possessor and to tie two separate words together. These functions are not recognised on the WWW. Rather, we have the apostrophe of omission (e.g. you’re becomes your or they’re becomes there) and the apostrophe of insertion (e.g. Best wishes from the Regans morphs to Best wishes from the Regan’s or Best wishes from the Regans’. Please note that the latter is at pro-level).

2.     Spelling. Any word that contains more than three syllables must never be attempted using a keyboard…..for obvious reasons. The KISS principle reigns supreme.

3.     Reactions. When the inevitable facebook memory box greets you each morning, respond with the following pithy reaction- Can’t believe it’s been 1 week, 10 years…… etc etc. and then post.

4.     Update starters. Routine examples are When you have nothing to update or the more advanced The feeling you get when you have nothing to update.

5.     ‘Feelings’ infusion. Every sentence- whether statement, command or even question- should conclude with an exclamation mark or, better still, a few exclamation marks. This linguistic caboose of emotion demonstrates both simulated inflection and unabashed sensitivity.

6.     ‘Warrior’ stuff. Nurture a deep hate for maladies like cancer, diabetes and depression so that you can actively participate in ‘pass it on’ messages and, in addition, it will set you apart from punters who quite like cancer, diabetes and depression.

7.     Handy stock words, phrases and clauses. Users should possess a knapsack of acceptable and recognisable words and phrases for the online environment. Top shelf examples include Can’t wait, So(ooo) excited, Best ever or the more colloquial Best eva, awesome, absolutely (as in ‘yes’), the evergreen Thoughts and prayers as well as Aww thanks hun/ lovely/ handsome etc etc.

8.     Holding hands with fellow users. If you’re confronted with the constantly circulating I think I know who’ll reply- ‘How we met’ dialogue box/ game/ chain letter, always respond with ‘Nambucca’.

9.     Nourishment language. Food is never eaten or consumed in the facebook world. Punters are enjoying vittles. Moreover, when a poster tags a presence at any noshery, the only appropriate response/ reaction from other punters is Enjoy! (to signify ‘command’ mode).

10.  Essential equipment. Besides your chosen device, you’ll need to invest in a set of binoculars, a digital camera/ phone and a hand-held mirror. All will be needed to spot breaching whales, cuddly koalas and your good self in many different and exciting positions and locations. The ensuing social media updates will come as naturally as diarrhoea after a dodgy late-night lamb sandwich. Trust me.

Am I isolated from the above stuff? Negative……… and I’m sure that I’ve reflected every single one of those descriptors in my updates and postings over the years. That’s the problem with these platforms. The modes of written expression go round and round in ever-decreasing circles so that expression itself becomes an automatic response without thought and, just as importantly, without intelligent structure.

 

Language is constantly changing and to deny that is stupid. The social media have opened up whole new worlds for language to continue that growth and development. However, it’s a pity that these platforms may provide the only opportunity for most punters to engage in writing. And it shows!